Going through the motions

Have you ever just felt like you were going through the motions or that you were a bystander in your own life?  Lately, actually for a while now, I have been feeling exactly that way.  Like no matter what I do there's nothing really that gives me that spark.  It's as though I am always looking for that next bigger and better thing.  And I am finding myself getting lost in a fantasy world that is seemingly so much better than mine.  There are responsibilities sure but they are of your own desires - not silly things like jobs and bills to be paid.  There are no worries about looks and weight and in the end good always comes out on top.  What a downer real life can be cause for the most of us it's SO not like that.

I'm finding it hard to embrace life right now.  I am finding a great deal of dissatisfaction with my job - maybe that's not the right word but rather frustration.  It's hard to detach myself from the goings on around me and I certainly have no poker face.  I am letting the things that I feel are wrong and the inequities get the better of me.  It's not my place and I know it but that doesn't stop me from still getting caught up in all of it.  I wish I knew how to just let it go and do my job and leave it all behind at the end of the day.

Then there's my desire to be a stay at home mom.  Somehow I have a fantasy as to what that would be like too.  And I am pretty sure reality would so not live up to the fantasy but still I find myself thinking how much better that version would be.

Quite frankly I am a bit of a mess.  I want that White Knight.  The one that knows me inside and out.  That loves me fiercely and would give his life to protect me.  Yet admires my strength.  What a joke I am huh?  Definitely read too many romance novels but isn't that what every lady wants a man that's going to love and protect her and know her better than she knows herself?  I can't say as I have that.  I mean I have a man who loves me yes but not in the way my heart needs to be loved.  And that's disappointing to say the least.

Perhaps I just need to suck it up and move on accepting the life I have and making the best of it instead of wallowing in that fantasy that can never be.