Feeling dissatisfied... ...

I have spent the last few weeks struggling with my work environment.  This year has not been nearly as great as an experience as last year.  The group of students, save a few, is so completely different than last years and I know that's part of the problem but not in its entirety.  I am also feeling as though some collegaues aren't held to the same standards as others.

When you feel like a failure

At the moment....no matter which way I turn I am feeling like a failure.  Whether it's our family finances, my spiritual walk with God, my role as a mom and guiding my kids....the list could go on and on.
It's like I never seem to learn any lessons or at least for not long enough.  I just ride the same hamster wheel over and over again.  Looking for something to be different yet it never is.  We are in over our heads when it comes to bills.....and even though there are things contributing to that that are beyond my control....the price of gasoline, groceries etc. there are still things that I have had control over and just really dropped the ball more times than I care to admit.
Seems like I am always looking for some quick fix or some miracle to make things different.  And all I do is fall flat on my face.

Going through the motions

Have you ever just felt like you were going through the motions or that you were a bystander in your own life?  Lately, actually for a while now, I have been feeling exactly that way.  Like no matter what I do there's nothing really that gives me that spark.  It's as though I am always looking for that next bigger and better thing.  And I am finding myself getting lost in a fantasy world that is seemingly so much better than mine.  There are responsibilities sure but they are of your own desires - not silly things like jobs and bills to be paid.  There are no worries about looks and weight and in the end good always comes out on top.  What a downer real life can be cause for the most of us it's SO not like that.

I'm finding it hard to embrace life right now.  I am finding a great deal of dissatisfaction with my job - maybe that's not the right word but rather frustration.  It's hard to detach myself from the goings on around me and I certainly have no poker face.  I am letting the things that I feel are wrong and the inequities get the better of me.  It's not my place and I know it but that doesn't stop me from still getting caught up in all of it.  I wish I knew how to just let it go and do my job and leave it all behind at the end of the day.

Then there's my desire to be a stay at home mom.  Somehow I have a fantasy as to what that would be like too.  And I am pretty sure reality would so not live up to the fantasy but still I find myself thinking how much better that version would be.

Quite frankly I am a bit of a mess.  I want that White Knight.  The one that knows me inside and out.  That loves me fiercely and would give his life to protect me.  Yet admires my strength.  What a joke I am huh?  Definitely read too many romance novels but isn't that what every lady wants a man that's going to love and protect her and know her better than she knows herself?  I can't say as I have that.  I mean I have a man who loves me yes but not in the way my heart needs to be loved.  And that's disappointing to say the least.

Perhaps I just need to suck it up and move on accepting the life I have and making the best of it instead of wallowing in that fantasy that can never be.

The hustle and bustle of life

Here I sit enjoying the quiet of a house full of sleeping family.  I am gearing up for a day full of gymnastics fun!  It's off to the Wild Wild West Meet in Bridgeville.  I am crossing my fingers that Mackenzie will do her very best as I am worried that she's feeling a little deflated this season.  I know it's tougher competition with more difficult skills and as an adult that makes sense but to my 8 year old and her perfection psyche I don't know if she's getting that.  She's very used to getting first place one most events and typically first place All Around.  I just worry that if she ends not doing as well as she did in previous years that she will get down on herself.  I know that she needs to learn that there are disappointments in life and you have to work hard for what's important to you and there are no guarantees - just not wanting her to have to learn it at such a young age.

So here's to a good showing today!  And a happy little girl who qualifies for states today.